Definitely Real Texts Show What El Chapo Thinks of Sean Penn

Definitely Real Texts Show What El Chapo Thinks of Sean Penn

WE WERE HOPING we’d get the sweet-and-lowdown on El Chapo’s texts about Sean Penn, and it looks like our wishes were answered.1

What? You haven’t heard? This week, a series of newly revealed text messages gave a behind-the-scenes account of the origins of Sean Penn’s recent (and very hush-hush) Rolling Stone interview with Mexican drug baron Joaquin “El Chapo” Guzman. The texts—over BlackBerrys between El Chapo, his lawyer, and Mexican actress Kate del Castillo—reveal that not only did the cartel kingpin clearly have the hots for Del Castillo (“You are so beautiful, my friend, in every way”), he also apparently knew very little about the Oscar-winning actor he was about to meet (“I’m looking up Sean Penn online now”).

With help from some encrypted-text experts, WIRED has unearthed even more messages from El Chapo, documenting his deep-dive into Penn’s oeuvre. They are presented here in full, unaltered and unabridged:

SEPT. 26th, 2015
Chapo: OK, one of my guys found a Suncoast in the village, what movie do I watch 1st

Lawyer: Try fast times. v funny.

Chapo: who else in that?

Lawyer: Jennifer J. Lee. Juddge Reinhold.

Chapo: ooooh, the guy from vice versa??

Lawyer: ?

Chapo: nvrmnd



Sept. 27th, 2015
Chapo: hello my lovely.

Del Castillo: hey!

Chapo: I would like to play the cars song called “moving in stereo’ for you, you know what I mean? 😉

Del Castillo: what?

Chapo: you know, the movie, fast times? the pool scene? Phoebe Kates, the “gremlins girl”?

Del Castillo: srry no

Chapo: 😐



SEPT. 28th, 2015
Lawyer: are you and me still meeting today?

Chapo: yes but fyi i *still* cant stop quoting spiccoli

Chapo: “i like tasty waves!” etc

Chapo: also, this is crazy but did you know sean was once married 2 Madonna?

Lawyer: yeah

Chapo: can you imagine how many fights they had over hair volumizer, lol

Lawyer: lol

Chapo: I do not understand, he was so funny in fast times, but didn’t really do many more comedies after that? why?

Lawyer: well he and madonna did shanghai surprise together

Chapo: they strapped a mule to a motorcycle and set it on fire and drove it into their enemies’ church??

Lawyer: WTF??

Chapo: sorry, different kind of “shanghai surprise.” Maybe delete this text?



OCT. 1st, 2015
Chapo: oof, I am sam

Lawyer: yeah



OCT. 3rd, 2015
Chapo: hello, my little hurlyburly!

Chapo: hello?

Del Castillo: hi, whats up

Chapo: tell sean I [heart emoji] these so far: carlitos way, falcon vs snowman, u turn and the game

Del Castillo: okay

Chapo: i mean I know people who love fincher think, “okay, the game, kind of a fun twilight zone thingee, it’s no seven or social network” but it’s really tight, and sean looks like hes having so much fun

Del Castillo: right

Chapo: when you dig into his 90s stuff he was so extreme, like, “okay, this week its dead man walking, then its an episode of friends.” no inbetween.

Del Castillo: [blank response]

Chapo: I mean his imdb is definitely spottier than people remember. And his movies are very frowny. I like dark stuff, but I like to laugh, I like good times, you know? I like many things that I think you like too

Del Castillo: okay

Chapo:

OCT. 7th, 2015
Chapo: okay, watched everything, even secret life of walter mitty

Lawyer: and you still want to meet him?

Chapo: o defntely. so many questions!

Chapo: like, what’s nicholson’s bathroom like? Why did he do gangster squad? Did eastwood make him ham it up that much in mystic river, or …?

Lawyer: yeah, that really should have been B. Murray’s oscar.

Lawyer: okay, ill bring sean 2 u. gonna have him take a car, then a chopper, then a plane, then three other cars

Chapo: tell him it’ll be like trying to meet terrence malick!!

Lawyer: ?

Chapo: forget it, deep cut

Lawyer: okay, goodnight, my friend

Chapo: goodnight

Chapo: oh and almost forgot: aloha, mr hand!

1 Editors’ alert: This is satire.


Fount: www.wired.com